Just anxiety rambles

If there’s one thing I hate about my anxiety it’s that I’m not “allowed” to relax. My brain is dead set on “you have to keep thinking about the THING because the second you relax and let your guard down…the THING will happen. Oh, also, it’ll be all your fault because you could have (somehow) prevented the THING from happening but because you relaxed you let the THING happen.”

Seriously. The second I begin to relax that thought process reasserts itself.

It’s quite obnoxious, really. Oh, and completely, absolutely irrational. Yet also rather fascinating to watch and see how my anxiety has morphed over the years.

And it’s not like I’m avoiding therapy or don’t want it. Stuff’s just expensive, yo.

Place I tried going to was strictly cash only, really unprofessional about returning calls (almost a week to respond first time?!), and the place looked really, really shady when I got there.

So yeah. Current anxiety fear is losing job over really simple mistakes (simple as in I shouldn’t be making them), even though the likelihood of getting dropped real quick is really low because

  1. My boss likes me
  2. My boss likes the work that I do
  3. My boss likes the fact that I’m very open to learning how to get better
  4. My boss has said if I’m fucking up, she’d talk to me first, provide a warning, find out what’s up, and tell me how to stop fucking up
  5. People have told my boss the (apparently) cool things I have done while she’s not around, and she really likes what she’s been hearing
  6. Not a really strong one but the people I work with also like me

Alas, my brain doesn’t care about that. Rationality is out; mild-panic, much like the color black, is always in.

If the issue does come up, I’m already trying to be proactive about it by setting up a…quasi-vacation to calm down from burnout. I work a second job (also part time), and because of that, I kind of ended up working  13 days in a row. And, well, one day off really isn’t enough to calm down from that. So hopefully the boss’ll be understanding and let me off with a warning. Or tell me to go back for some training. Embarrassing, but I’ll take it.

tl;dr: Anxiety. Not fun. Would not recommend.

(Thank you for reading, by the way)

 

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